daughtersI've eulogised my mum (deservedly), so I should balance the story by speaking of my dad.
Most people agree that my father is a VERY IMPORTANT LAWYER.
That means that my sister and I rarely saw him when we were growing up. My father suffers from an acute case of the protestant work ethic, and his pattern of work has varied little. Even today, he leaves home each weekday morning before 7 and he is never home before 8 or 9 at night. On Saturday mornings, he goes in early to his office and on Saturday afternoons he meets his lawyer friends at a football match or at golf (unless an important cricket match is being played). On Saturday evenings, mum and he go to the theatre, or to dinner, or to a party with their friends - my sister and I were left at home most Saturday nights or we stayed overnight at our aunt's house. On Sunday mornings, he goes off to golf with his friends or he relaxes at home (as kids, we learnt that we had to be extra quiet around the house on those Sunday mornings, since it was dad's "easy" time, when he read the weekend newspapers). On Sunday afternoons, he usually disappears into his study or goes to his office in the City. Each year, my dad gets a new laptop computer, and it is always the swishiest (and thinnest) thing that you can buy, but he rarely brings it home to work on. He believes that the office is the proper place for work. The only times that we sat down together as a family for a meal was Sunday night, and those were often tense meals, because mum and dad would have been arguing earlier in the day.
My father is aloof and unemotional most of the time. The only times that we saw him show any emotion was in his frequent fights with our mother. He has never been physically violent towards her, but the things that he said to her during those fights must have hurt her. My parent's marriage has not been a thing of beauty and of joy. Whenever dad was home, they would fight over something. During many of those fights, my sister and I became emotional collateral damage. It is hard not to get upset when you hear and see your parents screaming at each other for hours on end. Their fights are much less frequent these days.
I've tried to understand why my parents have never separated - it's not the sort of thing that my mum would or could talk to me about, and my father is so unapproachable that I wouldn't think of raising the question with him. Perhaps it's to do with image. To the outside world, we were a classic successful family living in a nice house in a good suburb, a prosperous lawyer providing for his family, a fashionable mother engaged in good works and two high achieving daughters (one of whom - not me - is also spectacularly beautiful). Behind the front door, it was raised voices, arguments and daughters in tears as their parents fought.
My father is a senior partner in a law firm and his father was a founding partner of the firm. He expected that there would be at least one son from his marriage who would go on to work with him at the firm. But instead, he got two daughters. My older sister is incredibly clever, beautiful and determined. She got a great TER (tertiary entrance ranking) in year 12 and could have entered any university course. Obviously, dad wanted her to do law, but my big sister is made of strong stuff, and she chose medicine (perhaps to show him that she is independent). The morning she announced that she was going to do medicine, dad didn't get angry with her - he just said "I'm disappointed in you, Elizabeth". I didn't get as good a TER as my sister, but my GPA in my first years at university was good and I got into law. That's what dad wanted me to do and I don't think it occurred to me that I could oppose his wish and make up my own mind.
But my father has his noble side. When my marriage broke up, my husband and I headed for the Family Court. I was still at university and my husband was working as a solicitor. The divorce got messy, with much arguing. Then my father stepped in, and a day or two later, everything was fixed, I was divorced, there was no more fuss and it had cost me nothing. When it was over, dad came to me (I was living back at home by then), put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a hug. That was the first and only time that my father has held me in a hug or an embrace.
My father can be generous with his money. My sister and I have never wanted for anything. We were sent to an expensive all girls school. All of our university fees were paid and we were given a good allowance while we were at university. Dad gave each of us a new and expensive car for our 21st birthday (mine was a Saab).
I think I love my father, and I think he loves me, but he has never shown it physically or spoken of his feelings for me. I want him to hug me, say something complimentary to me or express some affection for me, but I suspect that he never will - I don't think he can.
